A Different Beginning
by HarryPotterDawg
Summary: Merder...Can she keep up the balancing act?
1. Chapter 1

**I reuploaded this, because I realized I uploaded some chapters in the wrong order and things we****re messed up. This story has been done before, it's just kind of harmless fluff. Hope you like it! **

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She awoke shivering on the couch. She was completely naked and it took her a second to remember why. She glanced around the room and remembered. Meredith Grey, future superstar surgeon, Meredith Shepherd with her clothing and underwear scattered around the room. And there was Derek on the floor. She scooped down to take the blanket off his back and admired his ass for a few seconds. Then she made herself look at the clock. This sent a panic through her skin and her responsible side kicked in. She took a cushion and dropped it on his back.

He turned groggily to face her. She was collecting her clothes hastily in a bundle. 'Why don't you come down here and we can pick up where we left off?' he smirked. She was tempted for just a moment and hesitated but then put on a stern face and said, 'No, seriously we have to go, I'm late! Which isn't what you want to be on your first day of work.' He responded with another grin which made it more of an effort to keep her stern face on. 'Seriously! I am going to go upstairs and take a shower and when I come down, I expect you and the kids to be dressed and ready to leave.'

'I could join you in that shower.' God that grin was intoxicating.

'Kids Derek! There are children around!' She threw another pillow at him and ran up the stairs.

* * *

They had dropped Michael off at school and Derek was going to drop Andrew off at day care. They had a goodbye kiss in the lounge, just a peck on the cheek but it left Meredith swooning. Her stomach tightened as she thought of the previous night and she took the stairs slower than she should have. She was late, she should have been rushing but Derek had an annoying habit of keeping her distracted. It all left her mind when she slipped in to join the group of interns listening to Chief Webber.

Dr Webber flicked on the lights to an OR and it took her breath away. All thoughts of Derek slipped out of her mind. She couldn't believe she had finally made it. She was becoming a real doctor. For a second anything felt possible. She had made it this far, she had gotten through medical school, she had made it into the program at Seattle Grace Hospital. Life was just beginning.

* * *

It felt surreal sitting in the intern changing room. She felt like a little kid when she placed the stethoscope around her neck and laughed at her childish joy in getting to wear _real live _scrubs. She glanced around as residents began calling last names – they were already being divided up. She glanced at the girl nearest her who was packing her belongings into a locker.

'Only six women out of twenty,' Meredith said, raising her eyebrows. 'You're Christina, right?' Meredith said. She felt like a stalker saying it but she had overheard another conversation.

'Yeah, so which resident are you assigned to? I got Bailey.'

'The Nazi? Me too.'

Another voice came from the opposite row of lockers. He was a medium-height, stocky guy with a creamy complexion and tangles of dark hair. 'You got the Nazi? So do I,' he said. His voice sounded premature, boyish. 'At least we'll be tortured together, right? I'm George, O'Malley.' He started talking. He was nervous and rambling. He talked about the intern mixer that had taken place the previous night, the details of what Meredith had been wearing and homosexuality, all in the space of a few seconds. Thankfully he was cut short when somebody called their last names. 'Yang, Grey, O'Malley, Stevens,' a voice barked. ', end of the hall.' A range of thoughts ran through Meredith's mind as she caught her first glimpse of her resident. A short, plump, dark women, frowning at a nurses station. The word 'Nazi' didn't exactly spring to mind.

It became obvious when she spoke. She had a firm, no-nonsense kind of voice. 'I have five rules,' she said. 'Memorize them.' She began to move, talking and leading them through the hospital. It still felt like a dream for Meredith. She couldn't listen to Bailey's words properly but she got the gist – _Don't mess up, don't be foolish._ And then, when the speech was over, as if on cue, Bailey's pager bleeped and the interns glanced at each other and ran after their resident.

Meredith was rolling a stretcher onto a helipad, _a helipad for God sake!_ It was more than exciting. It was her first patient. Katie Bryce, fifteen year old female with seizures that weren't responding to any medication. Meredith got a glimpse of a pale face with blonde hair. As soon as they were inside the action began to happen. Injections and then the seizure stopped and a Dr Burke walked in. He was tall, black and he said they needed to run every test there was on her. Meredith was going to give Katie Bryce a CT. She quivered. Everything was so novel. Her first day and she was giving somebody a CT.

She got lost on her way. All the more time to listen to a fifteen-year-old pageant queen speak about rhythmic gymnastics which was _'like really cool'_. It was a relief when she was able to escape to the cafeteria for lunch.

* * *

She had hoped to see Derek, to sit with him and see how his first day was. It was probably easier than hers because he was an attending and not so clueless but she would have liked to eat with him anyways. She couldn't, he was doing surgery.

Instead she put her tray down next to her fellow interns. Christina, George and the perky blonde Isobel Stevens along with some nameless, faceless people who belonged to other residents.

She made an excuse to go somewhere else. In reality she was going to the day care. So far she had told nobody about Derek or her kids because she was pretty sure nobody else had a proper family already and she didn't want to single herself out. Not that she didn't want to watch the other interns swoon over her kids. Andrew was three and especially adorable. He didn't look much like either parent, just a cute snub nose and flushed cheeks and dainty little eyelashes. His hair was dark and curly but it wasn't quite Derek's. He had a toothy smile when he saw his mom and she took him into her arms.

She talked to the people in charge but of course he had been fine. He was a good kid. He didn't even cling to her leg when she brought him back.


	2. Chapter 2

Lunch was now finished and Meredith had to go back up to the patient's room. Katie Bryce's parents had just arrived and they started asking her questions as if she was a proper medical qualified person. She stumbled over her words and ran to find somebody who could talk to them coherently. Within a minute she had found Bailey.

'Katie Bryce's parents have questions, do you talk to them or does Dr. Burke?' she asked.

'No, Dr. Burke is off the case. Katie Bryce belongs to the new attending now. Dr. Shepherd, he's over there.' She pointed across to Derek and bustled past Meredith on her way again. The idea that she would be working with Derek, her husband, her guy, hadn't crossed Meredith's mind. She stood for a minute watching him speak to some other doctors. She watched the light playing with his hair, noted the slight stubble growing on his chin, admired the dent in his nose.

Then she shook her head and marched over to him. He looked at her and smiled and said a quick goodbye to the men he had been talking to. He was about to lean in for a hello kiss but she stood back.

'I'm pretty sure the other interns already know about my mom and I can't have them hating me even more,' she said quickly. 'At work we are strictly professional!'

He laughed his perfect laugh and said, 'Well what do we have anyways?' She told him about Katie Bryce's parents and he left and she sped away in the other direction to go watch the appendectomy George O'Malley was going to scrub in on. He was lucky and everything seemed to be going well and then suddenly, he failed. He cut the wrong cord. She saw his face fall as Burke pushed him away from the table. Some jackass intern started calling the poor guy 007 as in 'licensed to kill'. As if George didn't feel bad enough all ready. You could see it in his doughy little face.

* * *

Meredith made her way downstairs to the nurses station only to overhear the jackass who had called George 007 rudely speaking to a nurse and jumping to conclusions about a diagnoses. Then he walked up to her.

'Damn I hate nurses,' he said. 'I'm Alex by the way.' The way he spoke so unnecessarily rudely just ground up her blood. How could he be so disrespectful towards nurses in one second and then act all charming to her in another?

'My name is Meredith. I think you should reconsider what you said about those diagnoses, you could be wrong.'

Just then she got another page for Katie Byrce and had to take off just as George arrived.

'Hey was that Meredith who just left?' he asked.

'Yeah. Hot, right?' Alex said. He stretched his arms.

'Do you know if…if she's seeing anyone?' George said.

'Man how could you miss the size of that ring on her finger?'

George's jaw dropped to the ground. 'She's _married_?' he said. He turned his head to see her as she was walking away and only now could he make out the shiny glint of gold on her ring finger.

'But…I'm friends with her, you think she would have said something,' George said. 'I mean, kinda friends. Well, not actually friends exactly but we're tight, we hang out. I mean really only just like today but I thought she'd have mentioned something.'

'Dude, just stop talking.'

* * *

Meredith arrived at Katie Bryce's room. She had thought it was another fake but as she drew closer to the room she sensed the tense, panicked atmosphere in the room. She stood in the door for a second. Everything seemed to freeze. There was Katie on the bed, seizing, shaking from head to toe and nurses around her and they were all asked some proper doctor name Dr Grey for instructions but it was like they were too separate people. She was just Meredith. How could she save somebody's life? It wasn't possible.

And then Katie's heart stopped and Meredith had to wake up and push her way through the mist in her head. She had to shock her and it was like somebody else was shouting the words coming from her mouth. 'Charge pads to 360!' And then when those stressful seconds were over, when Katie's heart suddenly began pulsing again, Derek arrived. 'What the hell happened in here?' he asked.

'She had a seizure and her heart stopped and-' Meredith began.

'I thought you were supposed to be monitoring her Dr Grey?'

Where did he get off looking so angry? The girl was alive, wasn't she? And he was supposed to be on her side. God she felt drained. She wanted to pass out, to just get away from the guy in Katie's room, get away from the stress and expectations and bitter feelings she was having for her husband. She walked through the hospital corridors in a daze, trying to wrap her head around the whole day. She heard Christina call her name but she ignored her. God she was going to throw up. When she reached the doors of the hospital she began to run and made it a few meters away before she vomited spectacularly under a tree.

'That is disgusting Grey,' Christina wrinkled her nose.

Meredith turned and began walking back inside. Just because you got sick it didn't mean you could take a break, not even for a second.


	3. Chapter 3

She had been in the hospital an entire day and she had been through so many emotions it was exhausting. But things looked up.

Derek had gone home the previous night even though she was still working. He brought the boys over and he brought breakfast and they ate it in the parking lot. The other interns presumed she was sleeping; otherwise she probably would have attracted more suspicion. She was only outside for fifteen minutes anyways, just enough time for Michael to ramble about his school. He was seven and so far he loved Seattle and ferryboats and all that crap. He told his parents everything that came into his head, he told Meredith how Derek had fared without her. It's not like she could have done a better job. He actually cooked for one thing and probably cleaned up afterwards as well. Still, of course they had all missed her but now Derek had to drop Michael to school and Meredith brought Andrew to the day care, praying nobody noticed her. And then it was back to work.

When he returned, Derek gathered every intern on the programme into a room and told them that if they solved the mystery of Katie Bryce they would get to scrub in on an advanced procedure. She did not want to work with Derek. He was too lax and she knew he'd accidentally call her Mrs Shepherd or Mer or tell her something Andrew had told him. But there was a challenge and she wasn't about to let it pass. He told them to research every clue they found and then he left but not without looking back for a second and giving Meredith a look.

'Hey, I want in on Shepherd's surgery and you're the intern on the case. If we work together we have a 50-50 chance of scrubbing in, what do you say?' came Christina's voice from beside her.

'I'll work with you but I don't want in on the surgery, you can have it,' Meredith said. Christina turned to look at her as if she was acting crazy.

'Are you kidding? This is the biggest opportunity any intern will ever get!'

'I just…don't like working with Shepherd.' Her annoyance with Derek and his casual tendencies was overpowered by the thought of Derek in scrubs, looking concentrated and intent, saving a life, in the darkened OR room. If she stood next to Derek at an operating table her mind would 'wander' and she'd fail worse than O'Malley. And likely he would fail as well.

'What do you have against Shepherd?' Christina asked.

'If we find the answer the surgery is yours, do you want to work together or ask stupid questions all day?'

She saw Christina's smile and hoped that was the end of it but of course as their research in the library reached dead ends her questions started up again. 'Are you seriously not going to tell me why you won't work with Shepherd? He's the best in neuro and anyways he's…dreamy, right?'

'Christina he's married, look at the ring on his finger.'

'Damn that's some lucky bitch. Does Katie have an infection?'

'No there's no white blood count.'

'So will you just tell me what's wrong with him? His wife can't be around much they all practically live at this hospital. And even if he's got a family you can still _admire_ from afar. So spill, why the anger?'

She looked Christina in the eyes. She groaned. The mommy secret hadn't kept long and now it looked as if this one would barely outrun it. 'You can't comment, make a face or show any response at all,' Meredith breathed. Christina raised her eyebrows.

'Okay so we may or may not be…married,' Meredith continued and bit her lip.

Christina paused for a moment and then, 'So is the sex any good? He looks like he'd be good, right?' Meredith shot her a 'look' and stood to go get some other medical journal. Christina thankfully changed the subject and they joked about Katie Bryce and her beauty pageants. It was alright – she had told Christina and the world hadn't exploded, it had been a good decision.

She and George sat outside the hospital. He was nice, she could see that now. He was nervous but he was good to talk to. They chatted about nothing and then after a silence he said, 'Meredith are you…married?'

She whipped around. 'What? Did Christina tell you?'

'What? No! It's just…you wear a ring. A pretty big ring.'

She glanced down at her fingers and nodded. It was just an innocent question. Christina hadn't betrayed her. Of course one day the hospital would learn about her and Derek but for now, it had to stay a secret. If people could know Meredith before they knew Ellis Grey or Derek Shepherd life would be a lot easier.

'Aren't you kind of young? How did you find time?' George asked. He was trying to appear nonchalant but anybody paying attention would have heard the crack in his voice. Luckily Meredith wasn't paying attention.

'People are still saying the same thing now as they said when we got engaged. I was twenty-one when I got married George it was just the right thing to do.'

'So…what's he like?'

'Um. Dreamy.' She stifled a laugh and then jumped off the sill. 'Look George I gotta go, I'm scrubbing in with Shepherd.'

Surgery with Derek was thrilling. Even with a mask covering his mouth she could still imagine kissing him. And then he began cutting into that fifteen-year-olds brain and she was enthralled with the science of it all. So went the next few hours, swinging between lust and learning, lust and learning.

The end of her shift was possibly the best part of the day. She was changed and waiting for Derek, the hero neurosurgeon of the hour and then Christina walked and sat beside her. They were friends and then as soon as she was gone Derek appeared. 'That was amazing,' she said breathily. 'That was such a high.'

'Mrs Meredith Shepherd, you are _such_ an intern.'

'Shut up and drive me home.'


	4. Chapter 4

**Just a short one today! Thanks for the comments you guys have left, I love reading them!**

* * *

The four Shepherd's ate breakfast in groggy silence, hunched over their food, mindlessly chewing without tasting. And then Meredith's head shot up. 'Andrew are you okay?' she asked. He looked up at her and shrugged.

'Why Meredith, is something wrong?' Derek asked.

'Listen, I can hear him wheezing,' she said.

There was another few seconds of silence as they both listened and sure enough it was there. When the three-year-old took a breath you could hear a noise as he struggled slightly to inhale. 'Am I sick?' he asked. He looked delighted.

'Asthma?' Derek cocked his head to one side.

'That or allergies. Look at all the dust in this place,' she gestured at her mother's old house where they were currently living. There were so many packing boxes unpacked and everything was coated in a thick layer of dust.

'Will you bring him up to paeds?' Meredith asked.

'Yeah I have the morning free.'

'Can I come?' Michael asked eagerly.

'Don't you have that thing, what's it called? School, maybe?' Derek said laughing.

'Speaking of which, we are going to be late,' Meredith groaned. 'Why are we always late leaving? I am _so_ unorganised.'

'And a bad mother, don't forget that part. C'mon you can go on ahead and I'll take the other car,' Derek offered. She gave him a thankful nod and ran around the house collecting her things before kissing everybody goodbye and running out the door.

* * *

Thoughts of asthma went out of Meredith's head when the first trauma patient of her day came in. A twenty-five year old rape victim, mauled and bloody beyond recognition. It was difficult to stomach but at least now the girl was out of surgery. Barely a 100 pounds and somehow she had fought back like a wildcat. Not only that but the woman had managed to tear off the rapist's penis. Would she, Meredith, be able to do the same?

Derek sidled up to her as she was lost in thought, still staring at the rape victim. 'Meredith you don't have to worry, that guy won't be running around for long,' Derek said. He risked a peck on the jaw as he walked into the patient's room to check on things. 'Sooner or later the guy who caused this damage is going to seek medical attention and when he does, we have his penis.'

'Where are her family?' Meredith asked.

'Doesn't have any. No parents, no siblings, just moved to Seattle three weeks ago.'

There was silence and Derek walked back to the nurses station to update the chart.

'Mer, are you okay?'

She stood close to him. 'Derek, I have no parents, no siblings and I moved to Seattle _less_ than three weeks ago. If I get raped and bite off a guy's penis will you come looking for you?' she said it completely seriously. He answered her without a smirk in his eyes – 'Unless it's my penis, of course I will.'

'Ha ha very droll,' Meredith rolled her eyes. 'Actually I forgot to ask, did you bring uh…Baby A for the asthma thing?' She twitched her eyes nervously around them. There were people strolling past and resting on nearby chairs but nobody was close enough to hear properly.

'_Baby A_? Meredith, it's asthma not child abuse,' Derek grinned. 'And no, I was called in for the rape victim and I had to leave him at daycare.'

'Will you get a chance later?'

'It'll have to wait until tomorrow.'

Like so many other things.


	5. Chapter 5

How had she managed to get so unlucky? When Michael was just a foetus brewing her stomach, Meredith had a secret hope that he would come out a replica of Derek straight from the womb. She wanted the devilishly charming curls but in baby-form, all wispy and unformed. She wanted the crooked nose and the familiar smile. Instead she had ended up with a baby that now at aged eight was beginning to resemble Meredith more than Derek but had somehow learnt all the annoying traits of Derek Shepherd. She had somehow ended up in a house with three chatty males who got up early and ate muesli. It was frustrating.

She brought Andrew to the park. He was even worse than his brother. He wanted her to push him on the swings for a solid half hour and he couldn't understand how she could be tired after the first five hundred times she caught him at the end of the slide. She promised to watch him from the bench. How could he not be exhausted yet? He was still charging around. Probably the novelty of having almost an entire playground to himself.

She would have brought Michael along but he was at school. Another frustrating thing. Why couldn't all of their schedules just slot into one another's perfectly? Whenever Meredith had time off, Derek was working and whenever she had a break and wanted to phone home and talk to the kids or something, they were always asleep because it was 3am. It was difficult to comprehend sometimes that not everybody was a surgical intern.

* * *

Speaking of surgical interns, one caught Meredith's eye from quite a distance away. Christina waved. She was jogging. Meredith's jaw dropped. Who had time for that? She was sacrificing enough as it was to bring her son to the park. Almost too late Meredith realised that Christina was jogging over to her. Though she had become closer to all her 'preschool friends' as Derek nicknamed them, it was still only Christina who knew that Derek Shepherd was her husband. And even Christina didn't know about the Alzheimer's mommy or the two mini-me's. Too late now.

'Hey Mer, watching the little kids play?' Christina teased.

'Shut up. What are you doing?' she shot back.

'Jogging. Keep the body fit, keep the _mind_ fit.' She tapped her temples.

'Looks more like a slow stumble to me.'

'Least I'm not a paedophile. You're the one sitting on a park bench offering candy to little kids.' Christina picked up the grocery bag of sweets from the bench beside Meredith and threw them on her friend's lap. 'What is with all the candy?'

'It's Halloween Christina! Trick-or-treaters!'

Christina looked at her blankly. 'If you aren't under the age of seven or have a child under the age of seven, you do not get to celebrate Halloween.'

She saw her friend hesitate and picked up on the brief nanosecond that Meredith glanced towards the little boy trying to climb up the slide backwards.

'Meredith! No! You have a McDreamy baby and didn't tell me?'

'I have two. And McDreamy, really? That's the best you can do?'

Christina ignored her and turned to examine the little boy who had made it to the top of the slide. For the spawn of two hotshot surgeons, Andrew Shepherd was not looking very glamorous or intelligent. He was padded for the cold weather, complete with mittens strung together but his face was still gone blotchy and red. He was not looking particularly clever at that moment as he slipped backwards and began slowly sliding down again on his back. As Meredith pulled herself to her feet and walked over to the shocked little boy she heard Christina call, 'That one's a keeper Mer!'

* * *

'So any more secrets you'd like to tell me? Are you married to the chief as well? And how many of these things do you have again?' Christina asked, nodding to Andrew who was perched on her hip. Both involved looked distinctly awkward and uncomfortable. Once Meredith had the key in the door she took Andrew and put him standing on the ground. He took off and ran towards the living room before falling spectacularly and skidding into a packing box.

They were still living out of boxes and had yet to organise anything.

'I have two kids, two boys.'

'And you have a house.' Christina surveyed the high ceiling, the wooden floors and then ran her finger along the thick layer of dust gathered on the sideboard.

'We're not keeping it. We are going to build a house, whenever we get the time.'

'Hmm, well isn't that nice. I'll do that too, whenever I get the time and maybe the half a million dollars to spare.'

'And then we can sell this place,' Meredith continued. 'It's my mom's old house. It's too…spaced out and it's not close enough to the hospital or school.'

They were sitting at the kitchen counter. Meredith, over Christina's shoulder, could watch Andrew as he struggled to climb onto a chair.

'Mom, mom, where's…where's daddy?' he asked, having succeeded in conquering the chair he was now climbing onto the table.

'He has back to back craniotomy's Andrew,' she said patiently.

'Oh.' That was it and then the three-year-old began to walk across the table, pretending to be an aeroplane complete with sound affects. Then he turned and started straight at Christina. 'My daddy is a sturgeon.'

'I hope the other son is better,' Christina bit back a smile.

'Speaking of which do you want to pick him up with me? The first day I get to pick him up from school since…I do not know when.'

'I cannot believe this. I get one day off and how do I spend it? Running errands with the Grey-Shepherd Brady Bunch.'

* * *

She was really the ultimate worst mother. Derek was forever practicing reading with Michael and checking his homework and asking Andrew what the colours of the rainbow are but Meredith was too selfish. Derek would research cases and get ready for an unusual day by reading his medical journals late at night or in snatched minutes as he ate lunch. Meredith was going to study when she had time off.

She lay on one side of the couch, Christina propped up at the other end with the book reeling off questions. They kept on this way for a while, tossing the hefty medical volumes back and forth, taking turns to ask the questions. The steady rhythm of question, answer, question, answer continued until it was punctuated by Michael's voice. He was standing beside Meredith.

'Mom it's almost five o'clock can I watch TV?' he asked.

'Okay, but keep it quiet,' she warned.

'But I haven't finished my homework yet!' he said loudly, almost happy to have caught her out. 'I'm supposed to read the book the teacher gave out.' He held out a thin, brightly coloured 2nd-grade book.

She pulled him onto the couch beside her and he started reading. His voice was flat and monotonous and she glanced at the book. It seemed to have a lot of pages.

'How about this instead,' she said, pulling her medical textbook off the table. 'What's that word?' She pointed a finger at a block of text.

'Sub..sub…sub-egg…'

'Break it up, come on.'

'Sub-gal-eal he-ma-to-ma.'

'Subgaleal hematoma, good job. Now Christina, how can we treat a subgaleal hematoma presenting in an adult after a-'

'Mom!' It was an urgent cry. 'Mom look at Andrew I think there's something wrong.' Michael pulled himself up with the back of the couch. Andrew was hunched over, sitting on a box, struggling to breathe and with every breath came a wheezing cough.

'Oh crap, crap, _crap_ I was supposed to bring him to the doctor,' Meredith groaned.

'You should take him to the hospital,' Christina urged. 'Or does he have an inhaler?' She snapped into medical mode and they tried to get Andrew to breathe slowly. Quickly Meredith got the boys shoes and coats and bundled everybody into the car. Meredith rang Derek as she drove through the streets but reached his voicemail. He was still in surgery and she had no idea what to say so she didn't leave a message.

* * *

A paediatric intern came by on rollerblades and gave both boys a sticker. 'The patient is Andrew Grey aged three years, presenting with difficulty breathing. Symptoms include coughing, wheezing, blocked airways,' Christina reeled off. 'I still cannot believe this is how I chose to spend my day off.'

'Excuse her, she's tired,' Meredith said quickly. 'It looks like asthma.'

'Okay I just need to…my attending will be over and she'll prescribe a short-acting β2-agonist and give you a prescription for an inhaler, it's nothing too bad. Do you know what triggered it?' she asked. 'Do you have any pets or has he been playing in pollen or dust?'

Meredith hadn't given the trigger much thought but quickly surmised it was dust. 'Yeah my mother's house is filled with dust.'

The intern nodded sympathetically and moved on. 'Medical interns,' Christina growled. 'They're worse than I thought.'

'Aren't they all the same?' Michael asked innocently. They sat in a row on a gurney, waiting for the attending to walk over. Christina turned and stared straight into his little chocolate eyes. 'Michael, this is the right time for you to learn the facts about doctors. There are two types of doctors – cardiothoracic surgeons and every other possible specialty. The first kind is the good kind.'

'Caro-crasick,' he repeated, then paused. 'My dad is a brain doctor.'

'Don't listen to her Michael,' Meredith said. 'And don't go shouting about dad.'

It was all unfamiliar faces in the paediatric ward but she didn't want to go taking any chances. Gossip spread faster than disease at Seattle Grace.

* * *

When the attending, a dark-haired woman named Dr Kenny, had come and gone and Andrew was breathing freely again, a nurse came to take Meredith's insurance details. 'And what's the name on the policy?' she asked.

'Uh…Derek Shepherd,' Meredith whispered.

'Isn't that the head of neuro?' the nurse asked.

'Don't shout it around. This all falls under patient-doctor confidential information,' she said.

'Patient-_nurse_ confidentiality,' Christina said. She said nurse as if it were a disgusting word.

'I'm gonna be a brain doctor too,' Michael spoke up.

'Michael! Shush!' Meredith knew this was just the beginning. She wasn't sure if the nurse even realised she was an intern. If she did, this was never going to stay quiet. The nurse would tell somebody and somebody else would tell George and Izzie and Bailey and Alex. If the nurse didn't put two and two together, she would just presume McDreamy had a hot wife and two pretty kids. Which was also true.

* * *

Derek drove home and they discussed what to do. Nobody particularly wanted to stay in Ellis Grey's old house. It was dusty and all the neighbours were elderly women and the floorboards creaked. 'I'll pick out a place close to the hospital, and not too far from school,' Derek said.

'Are we moo-ing house?' Andrew asked sleepily. 'Are we moo-ing back to New York? I miss Gammaw.'

'We're moving, but not far away. We might live in an apartment again though. Won't that be fun?'

'No.' Andrew was slipping off to sleep.

'No! I want stairs!' Michael shouted.

'Hmm how about pizza instead?' Meredith offered, grinning as she saw the boys faces light up. Pizza beat stairs every time.


	6. Chapter 6

'Why can't I move in?' Izzie demanded. 'Why do you put up posters if you don't want people to move in?'

'I do want people to move in,' Meredith said. 'But we're together a hundred hours a week and that house is old and creaky and I don't want you complaining about it to me because it's my fault.'

'I won't complain and I am an excellent inhabitant. I cook and clean.'

'I can give you first and last month rent,' George promised.

'No, no, no!'

* * *

'Hey.'

'Hey.'

Derek and Meredith had caught a few moments alone in an on-call room. They were not doing their horizontal dance but just actually speaking. Both of them were slouched on the bottom bunk.

'So did you get any interest in the poster you put up?' Derek said.

'Yes.' She frowned.

'And why is that a bad thing?'

'It's George and Izzie. I don't want them to move in.'

'I suppose I don't get a say in this.'

'You're right, you don't.'

She faced him, effectively straddling his waist. He leaned in to press his lips against hers and they were getting closer when a thump on the door knocked them apart. Meredith fumbled with her scrub top which had rode up to expose her stomach. Two pregnancies had left it stretched but her abdominal muscles had sprung back somewhat. They heard Bailey bark out, 'I don't know who's in there but y'all better be out in eight seconds so I can get some rest.'

They heard her leave and then Derek darted out. Meredith remained just a second after him, checking they had left nothing behind, and then she too escaped. There was interning to be done.

* * *

More people responded to the poster. She rejected them all. Each one was too weird or annoying in their own way. She just wanted a bland, faceless medical person who would stay at the hospital half the time and she wouldn't feel guilty if the roof started to leak. Nobody was right.

* * *

There was a bicycle race on in town, a kind of crazy death race that happened only once a year. Meredith was busy treating it's casualties but she had to make time when a paediatric nurse came up to her. 'Are you Meredith Grey the surgical intern who has a room to let? Because I'm looking for a place and-'

Meredith glanced up and her face went pale.

'Ohmigod aren't you the lady with the cute asthma kid married to Dr-!'

'Don't say another word,' Meredith warned.

'McDreamy is married to an inter-!'

'Shush! Please,' Meredith begged. 'You don't know me but I'm a really nice person and my life would be _ruined_ if anybody found out. Everything is kind of hectic and I just...Please?'

'Ohmigod but…oh my God.'

'Please?'

'Okay, I can keep a secret.'

Meredith didn't trust her.

* * *

They ate their lunch in the cafeteria. George and Izzie kept hounding her about the rooms. They were going to hate her soon. Once they found out about Derek they'd start seeing favouritism in every corner and making a big deal out of all the details. Christina was okay to deal with. Christina had asked about the sex. She hadn't asked about his family or the wedding or what he ate for breakfast. She hadn't asked how long they were married or how they met or how he purposed. Izzie was exactly that kind of person that _would_ ask.

'Meredith, if I start to get annoying you can kick me out, I promise,' George said. He was giving her looks with his big eyes and looking like a kicked puppy. She sighed. It was better to start letting them into her life now rather than being forced to.

'Fine you guys can move in,' she sighed as they both began squealing and hugging her and each other and making people stare.

* * *

There were more bicycle victims coming in as the day went on. Even though their shifts were all officially finished, Izzie, George, Christina and Alex were all still in the pit. Bailey was so busy she didn't shoo them home. Meredith longed to stay with them but she had to force herself to go home, to get dinner for Michael and Andrew and all that stuff. 'Wait! When can I start moving my stuff into the house?' Izzie asked as Meredith bid them a goodbye.

'Whenever, tomorrow if you want,' she shrugged.

'Awesome. And can you show us around tonight? I need to check this place out.'

Meredith thought for a second. She'd have to bring the boys with her. Derek was going to be in surgery for another few hours and she couldn't leave them home alone. 'Okay, I can meet you in the parking lot at nine and show you the way.'

Then she really had to go. They were renting an apartment two streets away and Meredith could walk it in a few minutes. It made a difference in the mornings and it was well lit at night. Michael went to an after-school programme that was just finishing up and she drove to pick him up. They did sport and board games and whatever else and he was entertained until roughly half six. Sometimes Meredith had to organise a babysitter but usually Derek was able to pick him up and Andrew was just in the daycare which was open pretty late. It was a fragile balancing act but it worked.

* * *

'Hey we're going to show two of my friends the old house, okay?'

'Grandma Grey's old house?' Michael asked.

'That's right. Just remember, don't say too much about Daddy.'

'Why not?'

'My friends…they don't…just don't mention it, okay?'

'Sure.'

There was silence.

'Mom is this a secret?'

'I like secrets,' Andrew contributed.

'No! And we're almost there so shush,' Meredith held her breath. Introducing her friends to her kids was going to be so stressful. She walked a little ahead to where she saw George and Izzie waiting.

'Look I had to bring the kids,' she turned to Izzie and stuck out a finger. 'Izzie I am _begging_, please do not make a big deal!' she said warningly.

Michael and Andrew hid behind her legs when Izzie squealed. 'Ohmigod, ohmigod! Meredith they look exactly like you! Oh! Why didn't you tell me?' she squatted down to their level. 'Hello! My name is Izzie, what's your name? Hello!'

Michael found the courage to speak up. 'My name is Michael Peter Sh-' he began.

'That's enough! How about you two get in your car and follow us in our car.'

Derek had his car at the hospital and Meredith had already told him she would be taking it home and he'd have to walk. She hadn't thought about the car itself until she spotted George's. Of course he had intern loans and he probably wasn't rolling in money but it was a real junkbox and she glanced further away to where she could see Derek's car. She didn't know the make or model but it was wine-coloured and shiny and looked expensive. She squirmed internally.

Michael and Andrew got in the back and she pulled out in front of George and Izzie. She led the way for ten or fifteen minute. She was a horrible driver and the sky was turning dark as dusk descended but George managed to keep up and they reached the house safely.

'Meredith the house is pretty big,' George said. 'You own _all_ of it?'

'Yeah yeah. Well we _were_ living in it,' she told them. 'The only reason we're renting it is so somebody will be around to keep it aired.'

'Bags I get first pick of rooms,' Izzie said quickly.

'No fair!' George sighed.

'You guys ha'nt e'en seen the insides yet,' Andrew piped up. Both boys were wound around Meredith's legs as she scrabbled with the door key in the dark. After twisting and turning for a few seconds the door was thrown open and Meredith flicked the lights on. The house was as they had left it. There were still boxes taped shut filled with kitchen tools.

'Meredith!' Izzie wrinkled her nose.

'What?' she spun around.

'Meredith this place smells like…' Izzie glanced at the kids. 'S-E-X.'

'You said a dirty word!' Michael said loudly.

'He can spell?'

'He's the offspring of two doctors, he can make out most three-letter words by now,' Meredith said.

'He's the offspring of two doctors? The Mr. Grey is a doctor?'

'No! Forget what I said. My husband is in the mafia,' Meredith tried to turn it into the joke. Izzie pretended to let it go but Meredith knew she hadn't. She would hold onto every grain of information about Meredith's personal life until she figured any secrets out. 'And you might want to wipe any surfaces before you start cooking.'

George, who had been leaning on the counter, yelped and stood back.

'Other than that nasty thought, I like this place,' Izzie declared. 'Except it's kind of bare. Haven't you got any pictures or anything?'

'Yes. They're at _my_ house,' Meredith said.

'I ha' a photo an' Imma dressed up like a cowboy,' Michael said. Andrew remained silent.

The group continued to the bedrooms and Meredith flicked on the lights. 'George you can have this room,' she offered. She caught Izzie's glare.

'He get's the bigger room? I need the closet space!' she said angrily.

'Well he's paying more rent. You want it or not George?'

'I like it,' George threw the rucksack he was carrying across the room onto the bed. 'I have some stuff in the car and I'll bring the rest over later.'

'You're not allowed throw things,' Michael said.

'Oh…uh, sorry.' George shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. He didn't know how to react to Meredith with two kids. He had seen her on the first day and thought she was just a clueless intern, in the same boat as the rest of them. Instead she was all wise with child-rearing.

Meredith rolled her eyes and then pointed out the bathroom and showed them how the water heater worked and finally, finally she was able to leave. She had gotten out. The kids hadn't said their usual 'My daddy is a brain doctor!' line or mentioned the words 'Derek' and 'Shepherd'. She had two people looking after her mother's house. Everything was still _perfect_.


	7. Chapter 7

Four interns were at the bar. Christina, Alex, Izzie, George. Nobody was doing much talking, they were just slumped over, almost falling asleep but unwilling to leave the bar. They didn't want to spend their free time sleeping but at the same time it was all they could bear to do.

'You know, every year I see you little junior doctors killing yourselves with work and every year more and more come,' Joe, the bartender, said. 'Why do you do it?'

'I do not know,' Izzie lay her head on her wrist.

There was another few minutes of silence. George was almost asleep and then Joe said, 'Hey there was this other girl who said she was an intern. I never see her around here.'

'Impossible. Every intern craves a good bar,' Alex said.

'Well she was here on that mixer night.'

'Black, off-the-shoulder dress with a slit up the side?' George asked.

They turned and stared.

'That is creepy O'Malley,' Alex said. 'Let me guess, it was Meredith?'

'Oh yeah, that was her name!' Joe said. 'So did she drop out or what?'

'No.' Christina sighed. 'She just goes home to stupid dreamy husband every night.'

'And stupid dreamy kids,' Izzie chimed in.

'C'mon guys, it's not her fault she's all…sorted,' George said desperately. They ignored him and there was silence again.

* * *

'Hey Meredith, how come you never go to Joe's?' Izzie asked the next day. 'Do you not drink?'

'I drink. I just…want to get home after work.'

'You can bring your husband along, if that's what you're worried about.'

Meredith looked appalled at the idea, again heightening Izzie's suspicions. Izzie had been questioning about the mystery man since day one. Meredith couldn't remember actually ever telling the woman she was married. After all, she had told Christina and answered George's questions but other than that everybody else seemed to just guess.

Izzie let it drop now but it was only a matter of time before she asked another awkward question.

'Just leave it Izzie.'

She walked away, as if she was going to check on a patient or answer a page but instead she just sought out Derek's office.

He had been given an office in the hospital. He had been offered one with glass windows but had turned it down for a smaller one, further away. If there were no glass windows Meredith could sneak in easier and have hot office-sex. He was busy now, far away on brain-surgery island, but she crept in anyways and just lay on the couch perfectly still. If she inched her head to the right she could make out the photo on his desk. It was a smiling one of the boys. Oh God. If any of the other interns ever saw it they'd know instantly.

She quickly took the photo and examined it. They were from a series of professional ones they had done. Michael was maybe six and Andrew was just a fat baby. Michael was still too recognisable. He was plumper and shorter and his hair was less defined and more wispy and lighter but the Meredith-ness was shining through his face. She took the frame and slotted it into a drawer.

* * *

_It was a Friday night and Meredith felt the ache of sacrifice in her stomach. Her med school friends were out celebrating. She couldn't even remember what, she just knew she was jealous and wanted to stand on a table and drink mindlessly and scream until she couldn't hear anymore. Instead, she was home._

_Derek was out with the boys. He sensed that she needed some time alone and had made the effort to take them to the nearest park for baseball or soccer or whatever he had promised Michael. Giving her time to stew in silence hadn't helped though. She lay on the couch in their apartment, staring at the ceiling, making lists of all the stuff she had ever given up. Years of her life gone for some little bit of sperm and an egg mixed together. _

_She heard the sounds of them arriving home and Michael rushed into her arms instantly. He was covered in dirt. His hair was still fluffy and stuck up in odd angles. He was describing everything. He was so exhilarated, just by getting to spend time with his father. She couldn't help smile and then it lead to laughter and then it let to her actually feeling good and forgetting all about med school people. The smart voice at the back of her head, the one that had been telling her all along that the sacrifices were worth it, started singing._

_Derek had a camera and it was just the perfect moment. They were all jumping around the apartment, discussing dinner plans and whatever else. Michael hoisted Andrew onto his lap and the two started smiling and Meredith was happy without having to drink or scream or stand on tables._

_

* * *

_

She was just playing with the crap on his desk when Christina came into the room. 'I thought you'd be in here, smelling the McDreamy,' her friend said.

Meredith didn't bother to respond and Christina didn't wait for a response before she continued, 'The chief has called a meeting. I thought you should know.'

'The chief?' Meredith frowned. Neither of them knew what it was about but Meredith hurried after Christina and arrived in time for a lecture…on safe sex.

* * *

Meredith watched the place where they were testing for STD's. Apparently syphilis was going around the hospital and Chief Webber had urged everybody to get tested. But there was something wrong. People were embarrassed to stand in a line that seemed to scream, '_I like unprotected sex_!' There were too many people milling around the office, waiting to see who would go first.

Derek arrived at the nurses station. He stood beside Meredith. 'Hello Dr Derek,' Meredith said. 'I mean- Dr Shepherd.'

'Shut up, nobody noticed,' he chuckled. 'And why are people standing around?' he asked in a low voice.

'It's the STD thing,' she whispered, nodding at the office.

'That's ridiculous.'

Without hesitation he suddenly strode up to the office and said in a loud, clear voice, 'Hello I'd like to be tested for syphilis.' He looked pointedly at the people standing around and walked in. Meredith felt the air tense and then suddenly everybody hastened into a queue. For a second Meredith felt her heart swell and she contain the laughter.

Sometimes there were those times where Derek did something without an ulterior motive, just because he was a good guy, and she knew everything would turn out all right because she had chosen the right man. Really there were no sacrifices at all.


	8. Chapter 8

'Hey I heard McDreamy got tested for the syph,' Christina smirked, plopping herself down beside Meredith in the locker room.

'Yeah. He was just making an example. Did you get tested?'

'Meredith you know I'm not banging anyone.'

'Really?' Now it was her turn to smirk. 'I see you looking all gooey at Dr Burke.'

The smile dropped off her face and Christina elbowed Meredith furiously in the ribs. 'Do not talk to me about Preston Burke.' Meredith shrugged and changed the subject. She didn't feel like prying. Who was she to judge an intern for sleeping with an attending?

'Hey are you going to Joe's when the shift finishes?' Meredith asked.

'Why? Are you going to _join us_?' Christina asked.

'Maybe. Just for a little while.'

Christina sniggered unhelpfully but made no further comment.

* * *

Derek had already left for home. He had pouted and she knew he was annoyed with her and her stomach clenched when she thought about it but she did want to get to know the other interns better, wanted to stay part of the group and not get mommy-tracked so early in her career. She needed to keep up.

It was just three of them – Alex and George had gotten in a syphilis induced fight and were nowhere to be seen. It was over a nurse Meredith had never heard about. It was confusing and she just wanted simple, quiet bar and a few shots of tequila to down. They were almost out of the hospital, crossing the lobby.

Suddenly her stomach dropped. They were almost out of the hospital, crossing the lobby. Suddenly her stomach dropped. There was a familiar redhead walking through the doors. Her jaw sprung open of its own accord. She took each of her friend's wrists and began dragging them to the door, dodging between seats and people and luggage.

'Addison!'

'Meredith!'

She dropped her bag and coat and they were hugging and laughing.

Christina and Izzie exchanged a glance. Meredith was making a big deal over this woman who had to be at least…old and acting as if she had risen from the dead. When they pulled apart they both began to speak at once in a babble of incomprehensible spluttering speech.

The squeals that echoed through the lobby masked the fact that they had never been great friends. Addison was Mark's friend, Addison was Derek's friend. They were a crossover. While age hadn't mattered when discussing life with Mark or Derek or the Shepherd sisters, Meredith still felt like a little kid when she spoke to Addison.

At the same time, Addison represented all the things she missed about New York – that polished style you could never get with the constant Seattle rain, the friends she had made, the family she couldn't visit.

Meredith couldn't say that she missed New York but there were so many memories gathered to the city. It was where had first met Derek, where she had gotten married, had her babies, bought her first apartment. She had never been happy before she arrived in New York – Seattle was the place her parents had broken up and argued, Boston symbolised a childhood of neglect and an awkward descent into adolescence. And New York…New York was like a breath of fresh air.

At first her thoughts had been purely negative. Meredith had arrived at the snotty high school, been intimidated by the kids in her class, spent a year finding herself and completing college application forms. She hated New York. It was like Boston but worse. And then…

* * *

_She heard her footsteps echo, walking around another bland, nameless gallery. _GodI am so bored_, she thought to herself. Her thoughts swirled around her head, depressive and uninspired. She had nothing to do, no friends, a life devoid of colour._

_And then she turned and he was just right there. He looked kind of pathetic with a red face and he was holding a baby that screamed and writhed in his arms but she knew instantly it didn't belong to him. He was hers. He was all hers, nothing else could own him. He wasn't alone but he looked utterly lost and she knew he was nobody's husband or fiancé or boyfriend, from that second he was hers._

_She was possessed by a sudden sense of boldness and strode up to this much older man. She faltered before she reached him but had the courage to at least stand beside him, even if she couldn't think of anything to say._

_He glanced at her and then at the baby still squirming in his arms. '_Sorry,_' he said. His voice was fresh and hoarse and perfect. '_It's my sister's baby_.' He gestured at the two women behind him without taking his eyes of Meredith. Meredith laughed and he knew it was okay. '_Do you-'_ he paused. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to take her and frame her so she couldn't run away. How do you tell someone you want to know her life story, to know what hides behind her shining eyes and peer into her brain? He couldn't say it out loud though. He settled for, _'Do you want to ah, get a bagel or something?'

_Before she had finished nodding he spun around and gave the squealing, flushed baby to his sister. '_Guys I'm going, I'm gonna have coffee with uh…' _he blushed and she said quickly, '_Meredith_'. His sisters looked at him strangely but he was already off, dodging through a throng of people gathered at the doors, tripping over his words as he tried to learn about Meredith before she slipped through his fingers._

_

* * *

_

It had been such a perfect meeting. It couldn't have happened anywhere but the big apple. Meredith couldn't stifle the joy that leapt to her face when she thought of Addison and Mark and New York. Christina and Izzie looked…hurt. Izzie gave a small cough.

'Oh my God, are you guys interns?' Addison asked, cocking her head.

'Uh. Yes.' Izzie shifted from one foot to the other and then handed Meredith her coat back. Christina returned the bag.

'Well, look at that! Meredith actually managed to make some friends her own age for once,' Addison said. 'What are your names?' She didn't wait for a response but just said, 'Wait never mind I won't remember and I don't care.'

'Addie!' Meredith punched her friend playfully on the arm.

'So…what are you doing?' Christina asked bluntly. Both of the other interns were thinking along the same lines – another intern had come to join the programme. An old intern who didn't exactly look like Meredith's kind of person.

'Ah yes I'm here on a case.'

'Addison is a world class neonatal surgeon,' Meredith chirped in.

'Oh, well isn't that nice.'

Meredith bent down to search through her belongings for her mobile phone. She wanted to text Derek about Addison and her surprise visit.

'Hey, where's Derek?' Addison asked. 'I never did get to congratulate him on the job.' Izzie and Christina looked blank for a second and Addison laughed.

'You know, Derek? About yay high, neurosurgeon, perfect hair, madly in love with Mered-'

Addison had not noticed when Meredith froze mid-search but when Meredith snapped upright and kicked her friend sharply in the leg, she stopped mid sentence.

'_Dr Shepherd_?' Izzie said in a low voice, turning on her friend. '_Dr Shepherd_, Meredith? _McDreamy_?' Her voice sounded dangerous and Meredith cringed inwardly, especially as she heard Addison's chuckles at the name 'McDreamy'.

'Look, it's not what it sounds like, he's just….' Meredith trailed off. 'It's just _Derek_.' It sounded lame even as she said it. She couldn't find the right words to express her feelings. He wasn't like some non-human creature the others made him out to be. They acted as if he was a different species with just this two-dimensional life. He was an attending sure, but he was just a guy who happened to be a doctor.

Meredith rubbed her eyes tiredly. 'Look I don't think I even want to go to a bar,' she said. It was the right thing to do. She couldn't have her quiet bar night if Izzie was all bubbling angrily. 'I should get home to…' She took a deep breath and forced herself to say it, 'Derek and the kids.'

Izzie looked appalled, hurt. Christina looked nonchalant but Meredith could tell by the slight stiffness in her shoulders and her jarred movements that she was annoyed by Addison's _loudness_ and Meredith's reaction.

Meredith just wanted to escape the drama and she began making her exit when Addison ran after her. 'Meredith I haven't booked into a hotel,' she said in a low voice. 'I can if you want me to, but…'

Meredith looked into her friend's eyes. A big part of her still just wanted to talk and gossip and sit on the couch and drink.

'Of course you can stay over Addie,' she said. 'We're renting an apartment nearby.'

Addison ran back to where Christina and Izzie still stood. She swooped and picked up her bags. 'Nice meeting you girls,' she smiled and then followed Meredith out the door.


	9. Chapter 9

**Ah I was so proud of myself on the updates but I was busy yesterday ;D Thanks so much for the reviews I've gotten, I love reading them so much! And I try to respond to them because I appreciate it so much!**

* * *

They arrived at the hospital all three of them together along with Andrew. Of course the boys were smitten with Addison. Both were children christened even though Meredith wasn't remotely religious and Derek never practiced but nevertheless a christening had taken place and Addison was godmother to Michael. They had all lived so close together in New York and the boys had noticed her absence. Now it was just like old times.

Meredith spotted a crowd in the lobby and said goodbye to Derek outside. She handed Andrew to him and kissed him just a few seconds too long to be entirely decent. 'Same old, some old,' Addison sighed, averting her eyes. Meredith pulled away and hugged her kids before darting through the doors to make it in time for rounds.

She arrived in the locker room with comfortable time to change. She was barely there for a minute when Alex came in. He slumped on a bench and she noticed he was sporting a black eye. George had punched him and people were laughing about it. She decided not to comment. If Izzie hadn't spread the news already then it was only a matter of time and she needed all the friends she could get.

'Hey did you see that total babe Shepherd was with this morning?' Alex said nonchalantly, toying with the strings on his scrubs.

'The neonatal attending from New York?' Izzie said. She had appeared suddenly beside Meredith, giving her a fright.

'Dunno I thought it was his wife. They had a kid with them.'

Meredith could see Izzie yearning to spill; to scream _No it's not because _Meredith _is his wife!_ but she gave her friend a light smack on the shoulder and Izzie held her tongue. Thank God.

'She could be both,' Izzie shrugged. She was enjoying this.

'I'm surprised you're not bummed. I thought you had a thing for McDreamy.'

Now it was Izzie's turn to squirm. For the first time she thought about how many jokes had been made about McDreamy's ass in all the time they had been interns. It hadn't occurred to her before but Meredith had never been as involved in those conversations. It must have been horrible holding her breath while they discussed and dissected and gossiped like regular little slutty interns.

* * *

Joe, the bartender, had been brought into the hospital that day. Everybody seemed to care so much. All the other interns practically lived in the bar when they weren't at the hospital and they all lined up with their well wishes. Meredith had never realised people liked that bar so much. She had only been there once. The night of the intern mixer. Derek had dropped her off at the hospital and gone across the road to the bar and she had barely put up with fifteen minutes of George rambling before she had sprinted across to join him.

She was initially put on the case. The one person in the hospital who barely knew Joe and she was put on the case. She was just getting patient history and she had to remember Bailey's words – _Be nice and smile so they will tell you things_.

'Hey I remember you,' Joe said when he saw her.

'Really? I was only at the bar one time,' Meredith said guiltily. She was already singling herself as the person on the outside. He must have thought she was strange already but she was too busy to care much.

'Yeah you were with the guy with the Russell-Crowe hair,' he smirked. 'Boyfriend?'

'No. Husband.' She sighed.

'Isn't that him over there?' Joe sat up further in bed and pointed.

'Oh. Shit. Don't let on to the other interns, okay? None of them know.'

He let out a short laugh and mimed zipping his mouth shut.

'My lips are sealed Dr Grey.' She could see why people liked him, with his little non-judgemental laughs and smiles.

* * *

Addison had requested Meredith as an intern on the case she had flown out to help with. 'This is such unfair favouritism,' Meredith pointed out.

'C'mon Mer, I'm bored. And I want to see you work. Don't you want to see me working? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity,' she pouted.

'Addi I've seen you perform a million times,' Meredith said. When she was in college Meredith used to borrow scrubs and sneak into the OR gallery. She saw Derek's first solo surgery, not to mention Addison and Mark's.

Mark Sloan was the fourth member of their group and Meredith was a bit nervous to ask how he was. Addison and Mark had an angry relationship if you could even call it that. He only seemed to show interest in Addi when she made him chase her and while she wanted marriage and babies he was still immature and just enjoyed women and surgery.

So Meredith kept her mouth shut.

* * *

Meredith managed to catch Addison in the stairwell. 'The scans show what I think is beginning heart failure in the twins,' Meredith said.

'Hmm. We'll have to go into surgery right away,' Addison said.

'Okay will I book the OR?' Meredith asked.

Addison looked at her strangely for a second. 'Oh, of course. I keep forgetting you're an intern!' she said. 'This is so weird. I forget you're not_ just_ a little Shepherd, you're actually still practically a high school student.' She let out a loud laugh that Meredith did not join in on.

'Addison, this is work. You have got to start being more professional.'

'Oh yeah because I'm sure you're _so_ professional when Derek is around. How many times has he requested you for his services? How many times have you been almost caught in an on-call room?'

'I mean professional like stop doing that whole chatting thing and don't expect me to go eating lunch with you guys or anything.'

Addison looked taken aback. 'You're really into this intern thing?'

'Well, I can't just hang around with Derek all the time.'

'That's all you did before! You had me and you had Derek and you just ignored everybody in college.'

'Well I guess I'm different now!' Meredith yelled. Before she stormed out of the stairwell Addison called after her – 'Don't yell at an attending Grey!' before departing the scene herself.

* * *

There were two amazing procedures going on that day. One was where Addison Montgomery was separating twins still in the womb and the other was Derek operating on Joe as he lay technically dead on the table. They were going to stop Joe's pulse and then slowly bring him back to life.

Many people had gathered to watch Derek but Meredith was unable to because she was with Addison. It annoyed her. When she had been in medical school and he was doing his residency and she had Michael and school was busy but there was more free time. She always had the chance to watch his surgeries, especially if he was scrubbing in on something interesting. Now he was doing a stand-still operation on a guy Meredith actually knew and she couldn't watch.

* * *

She met Derek outside the OR. There was nobody around and they had a moment to catch up and share a kiss. 'I fought with Addison,' she whispered. Saying it in a whisper made it seem less bad.

'You two fight all the time,' Derek said.

'Yeah about clothes and stupid things. This was…nastier.'

He was starting to reassure her, with his little words and coaxing tone when they heard footsteps. Instantly they sprang apart. Then she sighed.

It was just Christina, the intern who had been working with Joe, with a pile of paper work in her hands, and Izzie, who had a granola bar. Christina raised her eyebrows and kept walking but Izzie sent her a kind of death-glare.

'Looks like you've been arguing with everybody today,' Derek commented. 'What did you do to _her_?'

'It's not what I did. It's what I didn't do…Well it's what I didn't tell her that I didn't do.' She was rambling and not making sense and she knew it but he let her go on. 'But I'm angry at her too. She knows that she's been making jokes about my husband since we started being interns, _not-funny_ jokes and she hasn't said anything or apologised or….ugh!' She had been in his arms but now he spun her around to look properly into her eyes.

'You told her?'

'No, Addison told her! Keep up Derek!' She wriggled free from his arms, reached up to peck him on the forehead and started walking.


	10. Chapter 10

**Another short chapter :P Also sorry there's some angst coming!**

* * *

Meredith and Addison had made up, somewhat. They had made up because Addison was still staying with the Shepherd's and even though she was supposed to be only at Seattle Grace for one surgery it had turned into a dozen. It was impossible to stay in that apartment and not break the icy post-argument ice.

There were three bedrooms and two bathrooms in the apartment, one of which was an ensuite. The kitchen was cramped but not much cooking went on so it didn't matter. The living room and the kitchen and the dining room were all the same place and the boys toys cluttered everything up. But it was an easy space to keep clean, even if it wasn't tidy, and it was so close to the hospital and schools and there was no dust to trigger another asthma attack.

They were meant to be building their own house. Meredith liked to think about the dream house when she was stressed from being an intern-mother-wife person. The actual house didn't matter because along with the dream house, dream Meredith would arrive. Dream Meredith would never need to sleep, never crave caffeine or be forced to choose kids over surgery or get glares from everybody. Everybody would admire and respect Dream Meredith and her life would be all balanced and shiny. She would do flawless solo surgeries from nine until five, then arrive home with her perky husband to greet two children and cook a wholesome meal.

Sometimes a voice crept into her mind that said even with the house, Dream Meredith wouldn't follow. She blocked it effortlessly. It didn't matter anyways. The house was not going to be finished until she had completed her residency in all likelihood. There was just never time.

* * *

The day of the spat with Addison and the stand-still surgery, Meredith did some paper work, spent five minutes with Andrew in the daycare, did evening rounds, picked Michael up from the childminder and finished the paper work while keeping an eye on him and Andrew, borrowing Derek's office. Then she met Addison and Derek arrived with dinner from the canteen and they ate in Derek's office before going home. Derek showed Addison the plans of the house while Meredith slept and then they started playing a board-game but Meredith fell asleep again. That was what constituted as a quiet, uneventful evening.

With Addison staying with them, Meredith didn't feel so guilty going to bed at the same time as the boys. She woke later when Derek got into bed and there was some sleepy snuggling and talking and then more sleeping.

She awoke tired. How could she sleep for so long and still be tired? It was impossible. How could a person work so hard and still not get it all done? She hadn't fed the kids good quality food, she hadn't made up with Addison, she hadn't kept up with the interns and gone to the bar, she hadn't had sex, and she hadn't studied or cleaned or phoned the family and friends she was neglecting back in New York. She missed out on so much and she still couldn't keep up.


	11. Chapter 11

Meredith was in the changing room after a shift. She was still wearing her scrub pants but her hair was down. It had been an easy day and right then the hospital seemed like such a nice place to be. She checked her watch. It was eight o'clock. Derek was home with the kids and if she went quickly she'd be in time for dinner and she could play with Michael for a while. But summoning up the effort to switch into mommy role just seemed too tiring.

Christina walked in. 'Hey,' Meredith said. Then she remembered Christina was still annoyed over Addison. What had that been about exactly? Had Addie been mean? Meredith couldn't remember, it was too hard being mad at people. Christina had probably just spent too much time around Izzie and…oh! That was it. Meredith had blown off going to Joe's to spend time with Addison.

'Hey Mer, where's your new BFF, the giraffe with the red curls?' Christina asked. She failed to disguise the tension with her teasing. She began to mimic Addison, 'About yay high, super sophisticated, makes people feel like they're five years old?'

'If you're talking about Addison, just shut up,' Meredith sighed. 'She's nice when you get to know her, and she's working.'

'Izzie is _freaking_ out,' Christina confided.

'I was going to tell her,' Meredith said. It was a blatant lie. She wanted to keep Derek a secret for as long as humanly possible and make up crap excuses when people got suspicious. 'Just Addison did it for me.'

'Oooh _Addison_!' Christina was still stung obviously and Meredith felt a rush to protect the other woman. She would never admit to anybody the odd tension that lay between herself and Addison. Addison was so pleasant and normal, why weren't they best friends?

'Shut up, she's really nice,' she said.

'Whatever. How do you even know this girl?' Christina asked. 'She doesn't seem…'

'Well…' Meredith bit her lip. It sounded horrible to say it and it wasn't going to win Addison any points with Christina. 'She was kind of an ex-girlfriend.'

'Of…McDreamy?'

'Yeah they were going out for like eleven weeks, they were in med school together…' she trailed off. 'And she kind of cheated on him.'

Christina burst out laughing. It seemed so ridiculous. She couldn't imagine the pale, taut doctor she had seen around the hospital with Dr Shepherd. Derek was too different, too perfectly fitted with Meredith to think of him with another woman.

'It's not funny! It messed him up a lot at the time,' Meredith said. 'It was with his best friend and then…we met.'

Christina rolled her eyes and gave a huff. She had been hoping for something juicier, something that would sound good being spread around the hospital, something she could tease Meredith about. But all this stuff had happened years ago and there was nothing very captivating about the whole episode.

'She's nice,' Meredith said. 'You'll get to know her and you'll like her.'

'I'll take your word.'

That was it. Meredith took off her scrub top and Christina packed her bag and they both left. It wasn't happy but it wasn't bad. It wasn't friendship but it was better than what had been there before.


	12. Chapter 12

There was a surprise at work - Izzie was too busy chatting with Alex to give her death-stares. Alex had done nothing specifically horrible to Meredith, but he teased George and just spouted innuendo and made crude jokes and she did not have a high opinion of him. She thought Izzie, with her high moral standards and sweet childish fairy-goodness, would never see eye-to-eye with Alex.

They were walking to find Bailey for rounds and Alex said, chirpier than she had ever seen him before, 'Hey Grey! Izzie told me there are some of your mom's old surgery tapes in boxes at your house. I'd love to see them sometime.'

'You can come over and we can watch them together sometime,' Izzie offered. 'I'm sure Meredith is too _busy_ with her _family_ to watch them!'

'You've been going through my boxes?' Meredith said. She wasn't actually angry about the boxes but she was angry with Izzie and rooting through her stuff seemed like a good excuse to get mad. Suddenly her stomach tightened. Some of those boxes had photo albums. They were albums Derek had made over the years. There were ones of her when she was pregnant, her was when she was getting married, her _breastfeeding_. She squirmed. 'Do _not_ go through my stuff please!'

* * *

There was a patient, who blushed uncontrollably and when somebody mentioned Dr Shepherd she turned neon red. Meredith tried to stay nonchalant. Sometimes she wanted to force Derek into wearing an enormous ring with a diamond on it. Either that or she could make him wear sweat pants with her name written across the ass in sequins. Whichever got the message across.

She was pondering it, getting a candy bar from the vending machine, listening to Izzie bicker lovingly with Alex when she heard news of a new patient coming in. And then as the others began to run, to snatch the chart, to swallow up details, she heard familiar screams. It was her mother.

The thoughts that ran through her head were incoherent and she was unable to do anything but stand with her feet rooted to the ground and watch as they wheeled her mother in. Everything seemed to go slowly. An image flashed through her head of her mother in those tapes Alex had mentioned.

Ellis Grey had been perfect in those tapes, poised and clinical and flawless.

Ellis was now without dignity, flailing on the bed, screaming at interns and it was hard to imagine her any other way. Meredith tried to remember Ellis standing tall with a neat haircut, wearing a smart business suit. The image of her wearing a hospital gown now, stuck on the gurney, eclipsed it.

The only thing she could think of to do was hide. She felt a horrible crushing feeling in her stomach. Where could she run to? She went to Derek's office and lay on the couch, tried to remain perfectly still. If she didn't think about it, she could go outside and her mother wouldn't be there. She lay for maybe five minutes before there came a knock on the door. It was Bailey.

'I saw you come in here,' she said. She glanced around the shabby office. 'Are you able to work today Dr Grey?'

'Yes. I'm fine.' If she said it enough times maybe it would come true.

'If you need the day off, I would understand,' Bailey continued.

'I'm fine. I don't want to spend time with my mother.'

'Okay. You're on scut.'

'What?' her face creased and she pulled herself up to a sitting position on the couch. 'Why? I can work.'

'Yes. Scut. You can catch up on charting, run samples to the lab-'

The door opened and Addison appeared. She didn't seem to register that Bailey was in the room because she started talking immediately, saying, 'Meredith are you okay? The blonde doctor told me what happened and I figured you'd be here…'

'I'm fine I'm going back to work…on _scut_,' she sighed.

'Look you're fine to work but I have to anticipate a certain level of distraction from you today Grey, even in the face of all that 'fine'…so scut, now!'

Meredith sighed and scurried off. Addison and Bailey stood in silence for a second.

'Are you Dr Bailey?' Addison asked.

'Yes. Do you know my intern or something?'

'Yes we uh, knew each other in New York.'

There was more silence.

'Isn't this Dr Shepherd's office? It's awfully small,' Bailey commented. 'When I'm an attending, mine will be twice as big,' she muttered before walking off.

* * *

Meredith stood outside Ellis's room. George was meant to be on her case and he was struggling. Failing. She waved him over. 'Are you…are you okay Meredith?' he asked, his doughy little face strained with worry.

'I'm fine.' There it was, that word again.

'Meredith, who's Thatch?' George asked.

'He's my dad, Thatcher. Is she talking about him?'

'Yeah. Uh, do I look like him or something?'

She scrutinised his face for a second.

'Maybe. I've only seen pictures. I moved to New York with my mother when I was five and I haven't seen him since.' _What is up with me_? She berated herself internally. All her carefully kept secrets were suddenly out and everybody knew everything. She had felt it the past day. It was like all the things she had cleaned up in boxes, stored away in different parts of her mind, were unraveling and mixing and running wild.

* * *

She found Derek and they sat behind his desk. She slumped into his chest and let her head roll back. She was so tired. She had been forced to talk to Izzie and Christina. Christina was alright. She was awkward and busy with her own worries but she was the right kind of friend for Meredith. Izzie was apologising repeatedly and not doing any good and her brief minute of contact made Meredith want to drop down with exhaustion.

They sat for as long as they could. They hadn't talked properly, like a married couple, just talked for the sake of talking, in a long time. Meredith didn't want to dwell on her mother and the guilty embarrassment that went along with her. They talked about Michael and Andrew. Derek brought up the possibility of a third child and she clamped her hand over his mouth.

'Don't even joke Derek,' she warned. 'I am not having a baby again until I am at least an attending. Count yourself lucky you squeezed two in before my internship.'

So then they talked about Meredith's future, what she wanted to specialise in. She didn't want to work with hearts or brains or bones or children or old people. She thought sometimes she would like to be an ob/gyn but it seemed like a sell out option. Christina didn't even regard them as doctors.


	13. Chapter 13

Meredith was thankful she was on scut work because she was ready to drop everything when the news reached her that Christina had fainted in the middle of a surgery. Meredith was weighted down. She was the only one who knew Christina was pregnant. She rushed, to give them details.

'Do you know if Yang was particularly attached to this pregnancy?' Bailey asked.

Meredith hesitated and shook her head. Christina was going to have an abortion. Now the hospital was going to operate on her and Meredith couldn't bear to watch. She thought of going back to her paperwork and her stomach curdled. She went down to the daycare and picked Andrew up.

She buttoned him into his coat and they walked through the parking lot together, round and round the pavement, walking around the hospital and then they arrived back at the front, near the lobby. She liked watching Andrew. As much as she ignored her feelings, she liked having kids. A small part of her had hoped that Christina would back out of her abortion at the last moment and have a little boy or girl and suddenly Meredith wouldn't be the only one. There'd be somebody else who would smell like powder and had accidental toys in her locker.

Meredith almost hadn't been that girl. She was twenty-eight now but she had been just twenty-one when she had gotten pregnant. She was in college, looking forward to going into medical school, yearning to be a doctor. She thought of doing it with a baby in her arms and it just seemed impossible.

* * *

_Meredith and Derek sat huddled on the uncomfortable plastic seats. Their turn was coming up. She was crying already and her head rested on Derek's shoulder. So far he had kept his mouth shut and said it was her sacrifice to make and he wouldn't think any less of her if she chose to get rid of it. But now there was a lump forming in his throat and the corners of his eyes were swelling. _'Meredith, I can't do this.' _His admission of vulnerability sent a wave through her body._

_She had sensed all along that he was against it of course. But now Derek started saying proper, solid things. He wanted to marry her, he said, more than anything else. He wanted to see what their baby would look like; he wanted to be tied to her, to watch her life. He didn't promise it would be easy but behind his words was the constant message – 'We can do it! You'll enjoy it!'_

_

* * *

_

They had cancelled their appointment but now, eight years later, Christina had made the same appointment. She hadn't been given a chance to back out but she probably wouldn't have anyways.

'Hey Grey,' Alex shocked her out of her sad reflective mood. 'I think Yang's almost out of surgery. It looks good for her.'

She smiled without any light in her eyes. She was sitting on a windowsill with Andrew nestled into her lap. He craned his head to look up at Alex.

'Hey isn't that the Shepherd-spawn?' Alex cocked his head to one side.

Meredith waited for a few seconds and without even changing her expression, she said, 'You might as well know Alex. I'm married to Derek.' She hopped off the windowsill and put Andrew on the ground and he slipped his little hand into hers. She didn't regret her decision as she walked back into the day care. Alex was an inconsiderate jerk but she preferred his crude comments to how Izzie would be once she got over herself. Izzie was going to just be squealing and jumping up and down.


End file.
